Gay Guru: Down in Durham

Hello my babies!

I received an e-mail some time ago, but it was a touch lengthy, and while I appreciated the detailed description, please excuse me while I paraphrase. My loyal reader, “Down in Durham,” tells me that he’s “a little overweight, not too bad.”  Having spent his early adult years in the closet, he now finds himself trying to make up for lost time.  It’s his perception that his looks are getting in the way of his getting out and making friends. He asks, “What can a shy, not completely comfortable with himself guy, do to meet more gay people in a comfortable way? How can I build up my confidence level not only to meet more people, but also to be less insecure in general?”
Dearest Down in Durham:

It would seem to me that you’re suffering from a touch of a little something the kids call “low self-esteem.” To that end I’m going to have to start with an apology for the long delay in responding. You simply must be careful with low self-esteem. I’ve come to find that left untreated, it will eat at you like cancer. That being said, I would also have to agree with your assertion that your looks are getting in the way of your ability to get out and meet people. They are…but not in the way you might think!

Let me tell you a little story about myself: I once had the opportunity to live in a 12th floor luxury condo in East Hartford. (I know what you’re thinking; luxury, East Hartford, one of these things is not like the other). One fantastic feature of this joint –which I am convinced was nothing if not beneficial for the negative body image that plagued me– was a wall-to-wall mirror in the bathroom. Every day, be it to shave, get in or out of the shower, etc. I had to spend some measurable amount of time seeing myself naked in the mirror. At first, I hated the forced confrontation, but over time, I grew to appreciate my body.

With my newly discovered confidence, I began going out. Regardless of my self-esteem, I never really have been much for the club or bar scene. However, at the push of a dear friend of mine, I found myself at the Wednesday Night Supper Club. The WNSC takes place every night at Tommy’s Restaurant in Middletown. It’s a weekly gathering of men (and sometimes, their hags). A majority of the WNSC patrons describe themselves as “bears” which brings to mind something grizzly and standoffish. Quite to the contrary, this subset of the gay community is extremely welcoming. (Again, I know what you’re thinking: Middletown, welcoming gay men…couldn’t be. But it’s true I tell ya!) I was almost instantly made to feel comfortable. Best of all, the stereotypical pretty, hard-bodied gay men seemed generally outnumbered by more…um…realistic looking men. In other words, men that looked like me. If nothing else, frequenting the Wednesday Night Supper Club only helped build even more of my self-esteem.

In this very roundabout way, what I’m trying to get at is, “If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect others to like you?” If you don’t possess a love for yourself, down the road, how can someone else love you? Darling Down in Durham, possession in nine tenths of the law, not perception. So don’t let your perception of your looks, body or anything else hold you back.  If it mean’s making Stuart Smalley-esque “Self Affirmations” in the mirror than so be it.  You simply must do whatever you have to do to grow and cultivate a love  of yourself. With that in hand, people will be nothing if not lucky to make your acquaintance. So by all means jump in, get out there, extend a hand, and introduce yourself as “I’m so and so, you must be very excited to meet me.”

Love Always.

The Gay Guru

For more information on the Wednesday Night Supper Club, their upcoming events (including the renowned, date TBA, Wet Underwear Contest Party…sorry girls, men only) and directions, you can check them out at www.wednesdaynightsupperclub.com or e-mail outofmyeye@aol.com and get on their mailing list.