Gay Guru: The House Hag

Dear Gay Guru,

My boyfriend, like most straight males, doesn’t like to leave the house for anything other than work or sporting events. Quite frankly, I’m losing my mind and if it weren’t for my gay boyfriends, who are always up for a good time, I think I’d go stir-crazy. My boyfriend is hot and I don’t want to have to stop having sex with him. What do I do?

Sincerely,

House Hag

Dear House Hag:

You’re experiencing a common problem that some good old fashioned trickery can fix in a jiffy. I would normally advise that if you want him to pry his ass from the couch, you call him on your way home from work and give him a time and place to meet you and meet where ever and have a drink, or dinner, go food shopping…whatever.

However, this plan of attack will generally only work once. While straight men are often the lesser evolved of the male gender, they catch on pretty quick, like Border Collies. So, if you want to make this strategy successful, I suggest meeting him at a State Forest, park or even in the bathroom of your local McDonald’s and screw him in public! The approach may seem a little drastic, yes, but you only really have to pull it off one time and he will forever associate going out with having sex. You’ll never have to ask him to go out with you more than twice…ever again.

And, if you’re nervous my darling House-Hag, rest assured…Gays have been having sex in the woods, abandoned parking lots, and behind office building dumpsters for centuries. For a list of fabulous hook-up sites in Connecticut, be sure to check out cruisingforsex.com, a wonderful resource for straights and gays alike who share a hankering for sex in public*. With listings from Bethel to Winsted and almost every town in between, it’s enough to bring a tear to M. Jodi Rell’s eye.

Love, GG

*The Gay Guru believe’s safe sex is better sex and, like random public hook-ups and anonymous sex with strangers, he can’t promote it enough!  Getting caught having sex in public can carry heavy legal ramifications, so bring a good excuse along with your condoms and lube…just in case.

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