He Said/She Said: President Chuck Norris

Part-time movie star and full-time nut job Chuck Norris has officially put his hat in the ring to run for president of Texas. At this moment, Texas does not have or need a president, seeing as how it’s still part of the United States. But Chuck sees things a little differently and, speaking for our nation’s second biggest state. said Texas will eventually break away and become its own country. We here at The CuT have mixed feelings about this, and how it will affect us – which is the only thing that really matters – so we’ve decided to explore those emotions (something Chuck would never do)!

He Said:

AWESOME! I say go for it, Texas! This CuT reporter sees this as the greatest opportunity for comedy since George W. Bush ran for president. Let’s say, hypothetically, Texas does break away from the union. It will obviously elect Chuck. If California is crazy enough to elect Ahhh-nold as governator, then Texas is certainly crazy enough to elect Chuck to be its president. Aside from making himself the biggest celebrity to commit treasonous acts in this country’s history, he will make Texas the laughing stock of the world (as if it wasn’t already).

What has Texas done for us lately, anyway? Not much. But that’s not the problem, because you can say that about most states in the union. The difference is that Texas sets itself apart by being so loud and obnoxious about it. Don’t mistake their “Hey, ya’ll, we talk to strangers” attitude as hospitality. It’s annoying, and if you actually talk to them you’ll probably just get lectured on why Texas is better than where ever it is you call home. (They are rivaled only by New Yorkers in this respect.) So let’s take a quick look at the Lone Star State and what it’s given us.

The Good:

  • Six Flags
  • Girls in cowboy hats
  • Austin/South by Southwest
  • Friday Night Lights (book, movie, TV show)

The Bad:

  • “Don’t Mess with Texas”
  • Dudes in cowboy hats
  • Dallas (TV show and the city)
  • The Dallas Cowboys
  • Chuck Norris
  • “Walker Texas Ranger”
  • W.

It’s hardly a competition. Norris and most of Texas see the rest of America as an immoral place, filled with sissies, and if Texas breaks off it’ll resemble Liberty University. So I say, “Let ’em go!”

If they don’t want to be a part of the U.S., why let them linger? They’re just upset that they no longer have their own retarded monkey shilling for them in the country’s top position. Let them have their hissy fit! Texas will crumble under its own weight (literally – it’s regularly home to America’s fattest cities) without the help of the federal government and will eventually come crawling back. At that time, we should make them pay a huge reinstatement fee with CT getting a boatload of cash we could use to pave a few roads around here.

So I say good riddance, Texas! We won’t miss you and don’t let the door hit your spurs on the way out.

She Said:

It’s hard to argue with Ring Nation’s reasoning on this one. Having been to Texas on several occasions I can say with full confidence that it is another world. Those of us who are used to greenery, rolling hills, short commutes, and a world mostly devoid of shotguns will find ourselves transported to another land shortly after touching down at Dallas-Ft. Worth airport. It’s like a desert wasteland with long, desolate highways between towns, fire ants, drive-thru liquor stores, and a Whataburger-dotted landscape. And while I can list only two things Texas has to contribute to the rest of us, I can list even more terrible contributions than Ring Nation did; chief among those is Lee Harvey Oswald.

Here is the problem, though: Texas is also responsible for a lot of our domestic oil and natural gas reserves, and has one of the best spots for a potential wind turbine farm along the gulf coast. As much as it saddens me to say it, if America wants to be “energy independent” we need to keep Texas.

Let’s face it, no one is clamoring to set up windmill farms on expensive property in pastoral Litchfield County, or the suburbs of Hartford. Manchester might be convinced to put up some oil derricks, but we wouldn’t find any oil so what’s the point? And let’s face it folks, if Texas goes, Alaska will follow, and they’ll take their oil with them, and just do whatever the hell they want with ANWAR.

This brings me to my next point. Left to their own devices with Chuck Norris at the helm, Texas will undoubtedly start some international incidents. It won’t be long before they try to invade Oklahoma, or Louisiana, or New Mexico. Our armed forces are already stretched thin, but if Texas takes its soldiers back we’re pretty much screwed.

I don’t know about the rest of you Nutmeggers, but I don’t know many people looking for job as roughnecks on oilrigs, or as military grunts (economic crisis or no economic crisis). The fact is there are reasons to keep Texas around – and to keep Chuck Norris from any position of power. So, in the immortal words of Tim Riggins, “Texas forever!”