Sex & the Suburbs: The Dating Game – Part I

It may surprise you to find out that some of us CuTTers are single. Mostly, by choice (or so we tell ourselves) but partly because we’re anti-social.  The Asian is only off the market due to her sideways lady bits. The rest of us don’t get laid…or we do but we’re not allowed to talk about it. In other words, we know the pain of being single in Connecticut.

We decided we wanted to give some of the methods we’ve suggested to you in the past a try. We tried pitching a matchmaking offer to all of you, but clearly you know better than to put us in charge of your destiny. So, we’re subjecting ourselves to the horrors of dating–even worse, it’s online. In case you haven’t noticed, no one pays us to write this crap so we had to go with a free site: Plentyoffish.com.

The nice thing about this site — other than the fact that it’s free — is that it is perfectly willing to admit there is no “one person” for you but that there are plenty of fish in the sea…and that it’s perfectly reasonable to go online looking to bang strangers. While we’re all about getting laid, we’re not so much about gonorrhea (though if there were a public insurance option we might reconsider), so we decided to treat this seriously.

First up is the Anti-Couric, who we’re pretty sure just scares the shit out of most of the guys she meets. She likes to pretend they are intimidated by her beauty. We know it’s her “strong” personality that causes them to run screaming into the night with their peni tucked between their legs. So, we made her a profile and filled it with humorous, yet flattering pictures, and edited out any offensive political or social views.

We also decided, somewhere around the third pitcher of beer, that we should not f*ck with anyone’s emotional stability. So, we chose not to contact anyone who didn’t contact us/her first. Also, we were as truthful as possible about our intent. In her words: “I ain’t lookin’ to get married, folks, but if you don’t suck you might get laid…someday.” However, we did not tell our potential victims/matches that we were doing this for a CuT project (as if they knew what that was).

We also laid out a time frame. We decided to see what kind of emails came in over the course of 7 days, and then let the Asian Persuasion choose the best candidate for a date. After all, her people still believe in such nonsense as arranged marriages and astrology. Because we’re a little afraid of her vindictive (i.e. Pearl Harbor) side, we insisted that we be able to set out some basic guidelines.

Plentyoffish.com asks you to set out certain criteria about who you allow to contact you. For instance, the site allows you to set an age range, and exclude people who have solicited stranger sex from other members. In addition, the Anti-Couric also asked for the following to be weeded out: anyone who mentions their Italian heritage in their profile; people with kids because she is frightened by them; bad grammar; Republicans; gold teeth; people who take photographs of themselves in wife-beaters/various stages of undress; and dudes who prefer not to disclose their occupation (i.e. serial killers, the habitually unemployed, and stockbrokers).

Once the profile was done we just sat back and started to watch the losers roll in. We realized that we probably wouldn’t need the full 7 days to choose a suitor for the Anti-Couric because she has a vagina. Once we get around to pimping Ring Nation we figure he might need a little more time because he has to rely on girls — who are probably getting inundated with emails from the aforementioned losers — to contact him. The Gay Guru’s online dating experiences may be entirely different, as is the hole he takes it in. He’s being pursued by men, but he’s also a man…so we had no idea what to expect, seeing as we’re not all that familiar with being queer.

A front runner has emerged for the Anti-Couric. He seems able to withstand her caustic wit, and everyone else sucked. We thought it a bad idea to respond on a Friday night with this much alcohol* in our systems, so we’ve decided Sunday is the Big Day. We will reply and set this whole ridiculous Dating Game into motion. If you’re lucky, in 2 years, you’ll be reading about their elopement…but if you’re really lucky, in 5 days, you’ll be reading about how they banged like monkeys in a commuter lot, and then sought treatment for their shared Chlamydia. Stay tuned.

*This isn’t a joke. We’re drunk.

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5 comments

  1. Given the general pissiness and bitching about damn near everything you write about, I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to spend quality time with any of you. Reminds me of my high school years, and there’s just about nothing I wouldn’t do to avoid that again!
    Wait… are you still in high school? At least everything would be age-appropriate, then…

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  2. And don’t forget the butterflies and ponies and flowers!

    But…this means that if you know about the general pissiness and bitching in our writing, that means you’re reading and we’ve achieved our goal! YAY!

    THANK YOU!

    and my apologies that your high school years were so painful and unpleasant. clearly, it’s left an indelible mark on you. my sympathies! 🙂

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