I haven’t been to the Big E in years, because there’s nothing I hate more than being overcharged ($15) for the opportunity to be overcharged some more. I love a Maine baked potato and clam chowder as much as the next New Englander, but the beauty of living in New England is that I can pretty much get those things whenever I feel like it. And as much as I like watching chickens hatch and Clydesdale shit, I don’t usually have $15 (plus the $10 for parking) to spend on it. However, this year, Boyz II Men was playing and since I spent most the 1990s <3ing the crap out of them, I had to go.
So, my cousin, our friend L, and I loaded into the car and headed off to good old Massachusetts. We wandered around looking at the massive amount of crap being sold–including but not limited to alpaca fur coats, giant dream catchers, Sham Wows, and lots of sweet t-shirts with wolves and unicorns on them–eating the aforementioned goods, and checking out the farm animals. Around 7 we wandered over to the concert only to find the thing was full…FULL! Semi-angry masses were milling about, all of us unable to get in. One girl had paid her $15 admittance to do nothing other than see Boyz II Men and was PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSED about not getting in. We moved along the fence and found a hole in the stockade fence where we could just barely see over the scrapyard to the half-empty bleachers inside the concert arena.
The proximity to the wooden fence, and the general hostility I felt to every goddamn idiot who didn’t know the words to “Water Runs Dry” made me want to re-enact the great Wu-Tang/Rage riot of Meadows infamy. Unfortunately, the Boyz II Men crowd is not drunk or angry enough to help make it happen. My cousin, L, and I managed to pry one slat loose without attracting the attention of the 5-0. We also tried pushing the fence over but once again, the rest of the crowd was completely unhelpful so we ended up watching the whole damn thing from outside the fence.
Before we finally left for good we went in search of fair food. My cousin got an empanada; I got a fried dough; L tried to get beignets but a gaggle of hoochies had snagged the last batch…leaving her to resort to something called “dough nuggets.” I can’t really imagine what would persuade anyone to serve something called “dough nuggets” –or why L would agree to eat them — but that’s not really the point. The point is…The Big E SUCKS! They charge you for everything–rides, foods, beer, games, and they even have bathroom attendants trying to take your money–and then when you want to see the one decent, sorta free thing they’ve got there and you can’t! You’re relegated to watching the show from a hole in the fence while the bleachers go unfilled…
It gets 1 shaker…because I can’t give it 0.