Sex & the Suburbs: The Dating Game, Matchmaker’s Advice

Lucky, lucky me. I’ve been the proverbial fly on the wall for the Plenty of Fish adventure my fellow CuTters have embarked on. I’ve had access to each of their profiles to see what kind of folks are writing to/hitting on/propositioning them and damn, it’s not only been an eye-opener but incredibly amusing. To be honest, some of them seem like straight-up losers, but part of that has to do with them having a bad profile. Having seen the male and the female, the straight and the homosexual, I have a few tidbits of advice for you Singletons out there trying to find love on the web.

Put Some Clothes On – Guys, the shirtless shot is old. Yes, it may make our hearts beat a little faster (if you’re hot enough), but it’s still old and a little trashy. So is the check-out-my-tattoo shot. Ladies, as one guy’s profile I particularly liked said, “I don’t want to see your cleavage just yet.” Sure, if it’s a great shot of your smiling face and you happen to be showing off the girls a little, post it. These pictures are an opportunity to show a little bit about yourself, and your personality. All the naked pictures are saying is, “I need attention and am probably shallower than your bathtub.” I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and saying you’re not that shallow, so don’t portray yourself that way!

Cut the Crap – Using proper English with minimal shorthand (thx, ppl, looking 4,wit u, etc.) and webspeak is key. If I have to look at one more profile that has “lol” in it, I will scream! Use those damn emoticons sparingly, otherwise folks checking you out will feel like they’re watching a cartoon (although POF’s dancing green banana really tickles me every time I see it). I understand that you want to convey that you’re lighthearted and fun, but as three-year olds are often told by their parents, “Use your words.”

Be Creative – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say most people consider themselves “nice” and “fun” and “caring.” (Most people other than the Anti-Couric that is.)  Those words are used so often in profiles for both men and women, it makes me want to take a nap on a train track. And every guy on here is going to say they’re a “nice guy.” You could at least make some sort of effort to stand out from the crowd, in a good way. Here’s an example of a profile that was actually interesting to read:

About Me

hmmmm…??…what do the girls want to hear? I’m a typical sports guy, minus endless hours of analysts and commentary. I’m a typical music guy, I dig anything w/soul and prefer a live show to the stereo, but my record player is pretty cool…I really hope I can edit this profile later…I really do love kids and being around them, teaching them, behaving like them (simple, fun, light-hearted). I like the taste of a good beer. I really do like crossword puzzles (though I cheat on the Times, especially late in the week). I can throw a football really far (do girls still find that impressive into their 20’s?). I don’t want to see your cleavage just yet.

First Date

First date: You better lace up those roller skates cuz we kickin’ it old school. Roller bladers need not apply.

Let your personality shine through because I’m sure you’re more than just “caring,” “smart,” “fun,” and “sweet”.

Anger Management – We’ve all been through a crappy relationship and you’re going to get a few more horror stories out of your online dating experience for sure. However, your profile is not the place to air those grievances to every member of the opposite sex. Being combative and in need of some valium right off the bat is not a good way to start. Here are a couple of “WHOA” examples:

About Me
I GIVE UP. IM TIRED OF ALL U ***holeS CALLIN ME A **** OR A BRAT BECAUSE I DONT ANSWER U QUICK ENOUGH. I DONT KNOW WHAT MAKES ANY OF U SO SPECIAL THAT I SHOULD FALL DOWN ON MY KNEES. TRY STEPPIN UP UR GAME WIT A GIRL. I WILL B ON A BREAK FROM THIS SHIT.
Her pictures were damn hot (although a bit on the skanky “watch your back” side) but she comes off as a psychotic here. I mean, if that’s what you’re looking for, by all means, go for it. This next profile is from a guy whose profile was about 16 times longer than every other male’s profile on here (and was a bit of a snooze), but the angerfest came right off the bat:
First off- Enough of the fake women on this site. You know who you are. I am not looking for any closeted women, loners, and straight up losers who dont know what they want. Who have no clue about getting to know a gentleman. Alot of profiles I read show me woman that have their head in the gutter and haven’t woken up to reality that – MEN ARE PIGS! Part of an Adult Relationship is having a healthy physical appeal/sexual attraction/ and sex life with that mate. But not all men here are out for sex and if you think I am, I’d love for you to show how that is! I’ve met a few women from here, have had great dates, but really I haven’t had time to commit to anyone the last couple of years with my job. Now I have that time, Now im ready to commit, and Im not looking for a sex toy in the woman I match up with 🙂 I want the whole package! With that said.. onto about me!
The long and the short of it is, be creative and let your own lovely self shine through–don’t go for the same descriptors every person on here is using and don’t go on tirades or list the contents of your bi-polar med regimen. Have some pride in who you are and show that you have respect for yourself because it’s very clear when you don’t. You don’t need to tout every little detail about yourself either–let your potential dates discover that for themselves. It comes off as insecure, desperate or full of yourself, depending on how you present it–none of which is flattering!
Think about the pictures you’re posting–guys, pictures with hot girls who may or may not be your ex-girlfriend, best friend, etc. need to have a caption telling us who they are (and the same goes for girls). Although, one would hope no one is stupid enough to post a picture of themselves with their exes on a dating site. That’s just bad form and tacky. However, if you don’t specify, one will wonder…
Have a good friend who will be honest with you edit the profile for spelling, grammar, and content. They may point out a great thing you should include, or a heinous typo that could jeopardize your dating chances.
P.S. I would have thought this didn’t need mentioning, but use a picture of yourself and make it a fairly current one. There’s some dude on POF who says he’s an orthopedic surgeon, but is using a picture of Damien Rice. You should have seen the Anti-Couric’s face when she thought she could finally make her dreams come true and make out with the Irish songster before he sings her to sleep. When we realized it was an imposter, she was positively heartbroken. We also realize that many, if not most, people on POF would not recognize Damien Rice if the real one was standing in front of them singing “The Blower’s Daughter” and feel like it’s kind of our duty to warn you.
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