Gay Guru: Fresh Out of Ideas in Farmington

Dear Gay Guru,

It’s the holidays and I have no idea what to give my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and a half, and he won’t give me any clues and says he doesn’t need or want anything and I should save my money.  Obviously I want to ignore what he says, and give him something that will fit in my limited budget. Clothes seem boring. I’ve considered sporting event tickets,  but I’ve done that already. Help!

Fresh Out of Ideas in Farmington
Dear Fresh,

Straight men speak a language all their own and at times it can be quite difficult to decipher. What with their impossibly concise thoughts, simple phrasing, and complete lack of deeper and hidden meanings…honey you must be exhausted!

I spent a lot of time really thinking about your shopping conundrum. Actually, that’s a bold face lie my darling. I Googled “gift finder,” browsed for about 25 seconds and promptly went back to drinking my martini.

You see, sweetie, the Gay Guru has a shopping ethic that plays out like a military strike mission. I research gifts and make a list from the comfort of my couch and mostly I purchase from said couch thanks to the internet. On the off-chance I am forced to go into a physical store, I don’t doddle or browse. Rather, with what I’m going to purchase in mind, I get in, get the item, get out.

My holiday shopping habits aren’t solely the result of my own staggering laziness. They’re backed up by the only thing I hate more than Connecticut malls brimming with holiday shoppers: forgetting the coupons at home. While I am not above asking if there are any coupons or discounts they can apply at the register, if they can’t because I don’t have a “paper coupon” it just sends me into a flaming tantrum. With the wonder of modern technology I can avoid the embarrassment of a security escort and search various coupon and promo codes.

Anyhoo, here’s what I dug up:

One staple site for me is redenvelope.com. They have arranged some really thoughtful, moderately priced gifts “for him” which seem really fitting if the guy you’re shopping for is mature and responsible, or classy, but otherwise generally not-sexy.

My other favorite find was findgift.com. Here you can plug in who you’re buying for, their age range, and the occasion and it’ll plop out a bunch of ideas…like this for instance, a company that will make your boyfriend into a stuffed animal! Or this book, which–along with a copy for myself–I’m buying for a few people on my list this year.

The shopping tasks seem especially daunting if, like myself, you’re working with a VERY limited budget this holiday season. So several of my, we’ll go ahead and call them “acquaintances” are benefiting in other ways from my financial situation. This holiday season, I’ve decided to lower my morals just a touch instead of my bank balance.

It’s been my experience that just about every man has some sort of fanciful bedroom wish they’ve been asking for or hinting at. Perhaps he wants to wear a pair of your undies while you mess around. Or maybe he’s been knocking on the “back door,” if you will. So you could give “the gift of love” if you don’t find anything on the web.

Absent ideas and or funding, this year I’m giving in on a couple things my bedfellows have been asking for. Rimming, for instance, is something I was holding out on with one guy. It’s not that I don’t like doing it, provided certain cleanliness guarantees are met, but with this one particular bedfellow, I was hoping for a little commitment before I gave in, like maybe he’d break up with his girlfriend. Regardless he is getting a coupon this year and I’m all for changing up our usual venue from the bedroom to the shower.

The important thing here is that when your guy says, “he doesn’t need or want anything and I should save my money,” you’re not caught up thinking that he’s only saying this because he’s going to break up with you. The Gay Guru is of the belief that, no gift is better than a gift given in the bedroom. So keep that relationship of yours alive and healthy and give up what he’s really been asking for.

Love and Holiday Cheer,
The Gay Guru

* Please keep in mind that “Bedroom Gifts” are really best given when they’re mutually enjoyable. While The Gay Guru plays fast and loose with his morals as it suits him, he would never endorse doing something that challenges your own beliefs, religion ,or otherwise doing something that you flat out don’t want to do.

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