Jenny (860) 867-5309

If you ever get sad, we suggest you head over to Textsfromlastnight.com because you will either laugh so hard that you’ll cheer up, or be so disgusted by the lives of the people in your area code that you’ll have no choice but to feel better about your own life. So, we here at The CuT decided the best way to help our depressed readers around the holidays would be to mock their neighbors unmercifully.

Here goes nothing.

860:

(860): I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I’ll guess this is from someone in West Hartford. Possibly Avon! But really, who wants to deal with someone that’s not jolly? Not me. Especially during the holiday season.

(860): I’m sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My guess is: you went wrong in high school and it’s been mostly downhill from there. This text might very well have been inspired during a trip to one of the many Wal Marts in this area…most likely Manchester.

(860): i’m going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Slutty? Maybe. Brilliant? Absolutely! If you’re going for a job interview you want to know what the company does, right? It’s a similar principle. College will serve her well. Or not…

(860): He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
”Not well” is the official stance of The CuT. I’m guessing this comes from the trailer park in East Windsor. Or possibly a bon fire party in Hebron or Enfield.

(860): i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This is Wesleyan. Has to be. Here’s the big question: did the X get rid of this person’s headache? Unfortunately we might never know the answer.

(860): I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was “No Condom John”
That’s horrible! Amusing and entertaining, but horrible. By the way, if you run into anyone in The 860 who goes by that nickname, it would be a good idea to run away. His disease might be airborne.

203:

(203): using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am optimistic that this tool is, no doubt, somehow responsible for the current economic crisis because the only people with metrocards and “blow” are Wall Street d-bags who have a very disturbing love of Michael Douglas. Also, he lives in Darien because he can’t afford Greenwich.

(203): franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I’m with you, girl. Let’s be friends.

(203): im holly from the hills drunk
I don’t know what this means because I have a life. F*ing Westport.

(203): if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If the sender of this text sees this, please email me this multitalented man’s phone number–and then move out of state.

(203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
That’s just the kind of stunt that will get you punched in the junk, and then… probably… a phone number. Anyone care to join me on a tour of SoNo’s bars looking for him?

(203): there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence… now hes humping it…
This could only be from Bridgeport.

(301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she’s lying
(203): but she didn’t tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

I just know I’m going to end up dating this charmer, and break up with him by peeing in his closet…which is most likely located in the Blackrock section of Bridgeport.

(203): we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
This has confirmed my long-time suspicions that Fairfield County is turning into New Jersey.

(203): my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Good thing I’m pretty sure you, and the rest of New Canaan, regularly numb your “feelings” with Vodka and stolen prescription drugs.

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