Saturday: Da Snow Bears

This feels so “page 6” because it seems completely irrelevant, but darlings, you know how I love to gush! If you’ve read the Anti-Couric’s previous piece, you should be all caught up.* If you haven’t read it yet, I’ll wait…

Once the curtain went down on the belligerent suburban masses, we headed out to Middletown. We figured a night with bears could help rid us of the dirty feeling left by our trip to the cinema. Tommy’s Restaurant loves us, and we love them, and this is a season of love, so in that vain, Tommy’s Restaurant very kindly invited us to their holiday party.  Sorry I didn’t tell you bitches about it in advance, but some things have to remain sacred.  You understand.

Now the Gay Guru doesn’t typically go out with a wing-man or, rather, wing-hag. I just prefer to go at it alone. It certainly makes those bathroom romances less awkward when you don’t have a buddy knocking on the stall door wondering if you’re in there. Regardless, Anti-Couric was a perfect companion for the evening. I felt thoroughly comfortable entrusting her to enforce my one rule, which is that she tackle me to the ground if I get near a microphone and attempt to sing.

Guests were a fun mix of Tommy’s employees, friends and….bears of course. Gays came from all over, and one skeevy old straight guy kept hitting on our very own Anti-Couric. There was some amazing food–the “chicken cordon bleu balls” being my favorite– and had an extremely generous open bar. We were starving and needed a drink after that movie, so it was much appreciated. Tommy’s also nailed the entertainment for the evening, providing a band called Samurai Cab Company which opened with a Pink cover and looked like they personally know Sebastian Bach.

They didn’t literally nail the band of course. I mean, a band and a live sex show… that would have been a dream come true! There was, however, one touch and go moment with a very sexy Bass player. The Anti-Couric –in an attempt to do the bidding of and gain acceptance from the bears– tried to pass a note that said, “Half the women and all the guys want the Bass player shirtless.” I may or may not have made a second attempt …but a hell of a lot of good any of our efforts made. He wouldn’t bow to the Guru’s power of persuasion! Admittedly my powers may have been on the fritz. I basically handed the sexy Bass player the note, then when he attempted to politely refuse I drunkenly yelled “take your f-ing shirt off…douche!”. Charming, I know.

The next couple hours consisted mostly of making the Anti-Couric witness as I shamelessly promoted The CuT (seriously, tell friends!) to total strangers. By the time we wrapped up our evening I had gotten into a really good rhythm. I would start to talk about The CuT, then hand it over to Anti-Couric to explain what it was we’re all about.  Sure, I probably could have done it all by myself, but as we drew our evening to a close; my vodka induced slurring was a bit distracting.

All bundled up, we set off for the snowy death-ride back home. We left with an air of mystery which is sorta how we like to do it. I faintly recall overhearing, “Who were they?”, “Were they even invited?” and “I think one of them touched my bum.” Ahhhh! How I revel in the sounds of a successful evening.

The roads didn’t seem all that bad, but I vaguely remember The Anti-Couric muttering something about all wheel drive, which I believe is how she got suckered into driving in the first place.  As she drove, we mocked anyone who was driving with their hazard lights on…and took pictures.

We both made it back home safely having had an absolutely wonderful time. I’m pretty sure the shit-show that was the glastonburykids movie couldn’t have been complimented any other way. Thanks Tommy’s!

*One thing she totally didn’t mention: During the Q&A with the cast that followed the screening of glastonburykids, one of the “cast members” wearing merely a t-shirt, kept awkwardly rubbing his arms. He was clearly uncomfortable, so that made him appear more human to me. Here’s the thing though, they were pretty muscular arms so I was instantly thrilled that the ticket price apparently included free admission to the gun show! You know your Gay Guru just loves a twofer!