Connecticut is among the unhappiest states in the Union. This week, I find that easy to believe, because — as the Asian-Persuasion and Gay Guru will tell you — I am just about at my saltiest and am looking forward to getting straight-up hammered on this weekend’s dive bar outing. But fortunately for Nutmeggers, the University of Connecticut is helping us out with some good news. The school ranked sixth in the Trojan Sexual Health Report Card, which is doubly good for me; you know, just in case getting hammered in a dive bar leads to doing something gross like making out with a stranger, or sitting on a restroom toilet seat.
My bitterness isn’t really the point here — though I’m incapable of not making a big deal out of it — so let us discuss how a state can be so miserable if its college kids are safely getting their groove on. Is it not a little odd that states like Connecticut and New York are apparently the least happy but UCONN, Cornell, and Columbia are all in the top 10 on the sexual health scale? Meanwhile, Baylor University, Louisiana Tech, and Brigham Young University help make up the sexual health caboose despite their states being in the top half of the happy scale.
I mean, I don’t know about you, but getting laid without getting a disease, or knocked-up seems pretty integral to my happiness. (Though this week, all the consequence-free booty in the world couldn’t help me out of my funk.)
Of course, I realize there are many other factors to one’s “happiness” but I find the correlation a bit interesting. Having been a UCONN student and reported to the student health center for mundane issues like UTIs, birth control, and a stress-induced rash that showed up shortly after 9-11, I can safely say they do a pretty damn good job over there. I also seem to remember bowls full of condoms in the dorm bathrooms. So, it’s no wonder the students on a campus otherwise known for getting drunk and acting like maniacs still manages to rate at the top of the healthy humping scale.
So, Connecticutians, I think we’ve come up with a solution for our generally unpleasant dispositions: Go forth and bang your brains out, even if everyone around you is grumpy and pale. Sooner or later, it’ll get better.