Future Serial Killer on the Loosey-Goosey

(ALAN CHANIEWSKI / FOX 61 / January 21, 2010)

I won’t pretend to be a big fan of geese or ducks or whatever the hell this thing is (clearly the Courant isn’t sure), but I do have an odd sort of respect for them. Those little bastards who crap all over our parks, and chase us away from our ponds, mate for life and I think that’s kinda cool. So, it’s pretty f*d up that someone would kill a goose — or anything — for no reason, and more importantly I think it’s the sign that Meriden has a budding serial killer on its hands:

“It looked like it had been run over,” he said. The bird had a wound about as wide as a car tire, he said.

There was a sign it wasn’t an accident: A note was left at the scene, he said.

The note, which lacked punctuation, reads: “Killed with intent how pathetic we are as a species”

I heard a story once about a guy who grew up on a farm, and whose job it had been to collect the geese for butchering. He would walk into the barn and they’d all fly around like crazy until he eventually caught one. The rest would huddle in a corner, but as he walked toward the door one would step out from the crowd: the soon-to-be slaughtered goose’s mate.

What kind of psycho runs one of those brave little guys over? Well thanks to my Psych 101 class, I have managed to develop a profile of this disturbing individual: a male between the ages of 18-20, recently cheated on by his girlfriend, and possibly with greasy hair and severe acne. Go forth and find this cretin before his violence escalates!