It's like "Where's Waldo?" for rednecks.

Where does one begin when trying to write about the shit-show that is “Jerry Springer?”

Well, I guess we could start with this disclaimer: I haven’t actually watched an episode of Springer since high school. Once it degenerated into constant fights I kind of got bored. Frankly, I’m more interested in the nonsense that comes out of the guests’ mouths than I am by their predictable violence. I’d rather watch hot UFC guys fight than fat trailer trash, but that’s just me.

That being said, I can’t recommend going to a taping highly enough…especially if you don’t watch the show because then you’re more likely to be shocked and horrified by the freak show. Jerry has always kind of been in on the joke. He knows his show is ridiculous and doesn’t pretend it’s not…and neither does the staff. The stage manager is the best. He comes out to “warm up” the audience and tell us how to behave, which can be summed up by this little gem: “Don’t call anyone a whore unless I tell you to. Not everyone who comes out on this stage is a whore, but I know who the whores are.”

He was right. Technically, only one of the day’s guests was a whore: the one who was there because one of her regular strip club clients was confessing his love for her after getting a $50 BJ in the VIP room, and some free sex. Everyone else seemed to perform their copious sex acts completely for free.

As you might expect there were lots of fights, and because the women on “Jerry Springer” are either too stupid to wear pants or are coached to wear skimpy dresses, we saw a lot of flabby ass shaking in the wind while they fought. Also there was a fair amount of boob.

The stage manager, who guides all the show’s chanting, started a “get on the pole” chant for the stripper and we ended up getting flashed. That was to be expected. What I didn’t know was that audience members are encouraged to flash during the comments section (a.k.a. the part of the show where the audience openly taunts the people on the stage). So I was a little confused when the stage manager started talking about handing out beads and how, if you flash, you have to turn around so all the cameras can see your boobs (or your butt, if you’re a dude). I was even more confused when some chubby, middle-aged lady who looked like a mid-western mom flashed the audience.

More disturbingly, she seemed to just pull down the stretchy neck of her top and unleash those bad boys. I’m not sure she was wearing a bra, which suggests premeditation to me. Her comment was about how one of the guys on stage had a random girl in his hotel room the night before. I found this especially creepy because, if it was true, it could only mean she was from out of town and had actually gotten a hotel just to see the “Jerry Springer Show.” I mean, when I asked to take a half-day to go see the show my boss laughed at me for like 15 minutes. What kind of people actually fly in from out of town for this show?

Also, we noticed early on that they no longer bother providing guests with chairs. Well, not all of them anyway. There is one chair on the stage when the first person for each “story” comes out to lay the groundwork. But as soon as the second person comes out the chair gets whisked away. Watching the “Too Hot for TV” clips while waiting for the show to start gives you a clue as to why: those chairs are weapons. In the early days, when everyone was allowed chairs, they just got picked up and chucked across the room, often getting pretty close to the audience. In these litigious days, you just can’t risk giving an audience member a cracked skull.

As horrified and surprised as I was by so much today, the thing that really got me was how tired I am. I got up an hour earlier than normal to get there on time, and then during the taping you have to get up every few minutes, scream, yell, and chant “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” and fist-pump (unless you’re the PrissyBitch, who refused to fist-pump).

With that said, I can barely keep my eyes open to finish this post…so stay tuned, we’ll let you know when our show is going to air.