We here at The CuT were thinking that what Connecticut is missing is a good blood feud. You know, like the Hatfields and McCoys. But since old-money types who speak through their teeth gave up dueling long ago, we knew it was up to us to start one.
So the Asian-Persuasion reached out to Jacques Lamarre, manager of communications and special projects at The Mark Twain House and frequent guest on The Colin McEnroe Show, to participate in one of our award-winning Lazy Interviewer posts. We’re thinking that once Colin sees Jacques creeping into CuT territory he’ll hit the moonshine, draw the white glove, and challenge Jacques to a duel (preferably on-air). Colin’s ratings will no doubt go through the roof, and since we’re guessing neither one of them is particularly handy with a dueling pistol, no one will get hurt…except maybe poor Chion Wolf if she isn’t smart enough to duck and run when this thing goes down.
So, be aware folks, that you are possibly reading history-in-the-making as you read Jacques’ answers after the jump!
Q: Mark Twain or Sam Clemens?
A: I have a corporate Visa with the name “Mark Twain” on it, so it is really no contest. I’ve actually been known to try and pass myself off as Twain, but it rarely works. In five years, I will have a quality walrus mustache, so we’ll see how I fare at that time. I’m not sure who this Clemens character is, but I’m pretty sure he owes me money.
A: Have you heard the term, “He’s his own worst enemy?” I’m constantly trying to undermine myself. I actively plot my own demise. I’m too darn smart to fall for it most of the time, but one day I’m really going to show me who’s boss and then I’ll be sorry. In a knife fight, I think I could take me, but I’m surprisingly scrappy, so who knows?!
A: I will not only admit it, I proudly embrace it. I’ve completely changed my wardrobe over to cleavage-enhancing JWOWW tops, Ed Hardy coordinates, and have effectively recreated the Snooki “guidette poof.” Fist-pump, bitches!
Q: If you met your doppelganger, would you consider killing him and taking over his life?
A: Having already announced that I am a self-loathing individual actively campaigning for my own failure, you would think I would kill him, but there you would be wrong. I’m sure I’d loan my doppelganger one of my JWOWW tops so we could be twinsies and BFFs 4-eva.
A: The olives at the bottom of my martini glass.
A: Being a size queen, I love Big Y. I think the “Y” stands for “Yippee! It’s big!”
A: Do you know your drag name should be Ivana Beating?
A: I went over to a friend’s house (I do have one), and he was watching a UFC match. It is totally soft-core gay porn for straight Republicans. It made me feel dirty, so I went home and showered with a cage fighter.
A: Toilet paper should definitely go over. Being lazy by nature (like my interviewer, apparently), I’m not a big fan of the reach-around.
Q: If New England could break off and become its own country, would you support the move?
A: No. The rest of the United States hates us for being so damn superior. There is no way we could whip up a decent militia and we’d all starve to death because only 1% of us actually know how to grow anything other than a bad attitude. Currently they are forced to cater to our whims, so why change a good thing?
Q: I’m seeing a trend. Do you often talk a lot about yourself when being interviewed?
A: I’m sorry, were you talking to me? I was busy looking in the mirror.