Let’s All Go to the Movies & Touch Each Other

After cleaning my apartment–for the first time since the heatwave kicked in–and watering the garden I sat down to have a look at what was going on in Connecticut before showering and heading out to watch the World Cup Finals. (GO SPAIN!) I saw a lot of things I could have been vaguely funny about and then I saw this:

The Southington Drive-In on the Meriden– Waterbury Turnpike closed in 2003, but has reopened this summer to show family-oriented movies. The property, which still has one projection screen remaining, is now owned by the town, and volunteers make it possible to introduce a new generation to the drive-in experience.

I was actually pretty excited about this because I can’t, for the life of me, understand why more people don’t go to the drive-in. I mean, let’s face it, they’re a bargain. It’s $12 a car-load, $2 for walk-ins. You don’t have to worry about the annoying people behind you talking or taking a cell-phone call (if they did you could just throw them out of the car). So why the hell have so many closed?

Well, here’s the one thing I can think of: teenagers have found better places to have sex, like their bedrooms. This Southington drive-in says it’s “family friendly” which is great and all (because who can afford to take the family to a regular movie theater) but that means the horny teenagers have to worry about some 12 year old walking by and catching a glimpse. Why deal with that when they, no doubt, have an empty house thanks to parents who never stop working in this shitty economy.

But teenagers, let me tell you, there’s nothing more exciting than a little hand-job in a rusty old car with steamed up windows. Sure it may not be as comfortable as the tempurpedic mattress your parents bought you, and your back seat is sure to cramp your style if you decide to go any further, but maybe  that’s a good thing. I mean, I know modern medicine has made it easy for you to get laid, consequence free, but if you’re humping like rabbits at 16, by the time you’re 30 you won’t believe the things you’ll have to do to stay interested. (If you want to know more about this, please write to the Gay Guru at thecutmag@gmail.com).

So, in this time of war and economic turmoil I say let’s return to the good old days, a more innocent time when we watched movies from our cars while sticking our hands down our significant other’s pants.