Down the Tubes with the Gay Guru

Whew, darlings, have I had a full week, and it’s only Wednesday!  If y’all didn’t hear, Tuesday, your very own Gay Guru was on The Colin McEnroe Show on WNPR.

While I think I was brilliant and CMS was lucky to have me, I’m not actually here to tell you about that. Because, while the Gay Guru is wise, wonderful, and generally fabulous, shameless self-promotion isn’t really my gig. What I am here to tell you about, is my unwitting adventure on Saturday with two amazing world travelers!

This past Saturday, my friends, their adorable daughter and yours truly set out on a little tubing adventure down the Farmington River. Most summer weekends I spend out of state, but I make it a point to stick around a couple weekends every year just for the purpose of Farmington River Tubing.

The 2.5 mile, roughly 2.5 hour journey sets off from Satan’s Kingdom Recreation Area in New Hartford. $20 gets you a tube, a life jacket, a page long liability waiver and a soggy-assed bus ride back to your car from the take-out point at the end. What they don’t tell you is, if like me, you also have an “appreciation” for the half naked male form, this is also included in the price of admission. Oh, they’ll also hold your car keys while you travel.

After a quick safety briefing you’re seconds away from plopping into the river, and I use the term plopping for a reason. The entry point is a little narrow, so here’s my first tip for you ladies and slightly self-conscious boys out there: there’s just no way to make mounting a tube look sexy, so don’t tie up traffic trying. Once you accept that, like everyone else, you will look like an asshole splayed about your big yellow tube, you’re well on your way to enjoying your adventure. The trip takes you through three sets of rapids and ends in the most relaxing half hour to 45 minute slow moving “lazy river.” It also effectively cools you off for the rest of the day.

That brings me to my second tip for you: Remember that lifejacket they make you wear? If you’re an avid swimmer, it’s basically useless after the second set of rapids and makes a lovely backrest.

The trip draws all sorts and as you know, people-watching is one of my favorite spectator sports. Now, as we had a darling 10 year old with us, we wanted to avoid the 12 or so Jersey Shore-esque folks who tied their tubes together in what we aptly named, “Douche-bag Island.” Which leads me to my next and last important little tip: If you find yourself amidst unsavory types, do not panic. Simply pull over for a few minutes in one of the many calm sections of the river and wait for them to float ahead. This also works to escape former co-workers you happened to run into by coincidence or that surly woman with the mini-van full of kids you cut off coming into the parking lot when you arrived. The one who’s been giving you the stink-eye all day.

On our trip, toward the end, we happened upon Douche-bag Island again. As we slowed to watch one of the geniuses attempt to climb a tree and jump from it into a too-shallow section of river we happened upon a lovely couple. As the moron prepared to jump, I turned to this fellow and said, “I think Darwin calls this thinning of the herd” To which he quickly replied, “Yes, I think he wrote a book about it!” We laughed and looked on as the moron finally smartened up and climbed back down. Much to the dismay of his idiot gaggle of friends.

Well darlings, as I was researching for my radio debut I came across this photo and amazing interview on The Colin McEnroe Show page. It turns out, quite by coincidence we had been tubing next to the two most interesting and admirable world travelers!

This lovely couple is driving around the world! Yes, you heard that correctly, DRIVING!! Check out their interview with that dreamboat, Colin or their travel blog at www.heartofdarkness.com.au It really is an amazing journey they’re on. And, dare I say, just ever so slightly more exciting than the Gay Guru floating down the Farmington.

Well darlings, I have my own travel adventure this weekend to rest up for (more on that to come), so I’ll bid you farewell for now. But I simply cannot go without profusely thanking Colin McEnroe, his amazing team and the cute intern who brought me a cup of water. It was such a pleasure being on the show! It’s been a little dream of mine since Colin came to WNPR. A thousand thanks to you, CMS!!

Oh and to that adorable little intern, listen, I was a little nervous before the show and I’m sure, since you’re the intern, they probably made you clean up the little piddle-puddle I left in the lobby. Sorry about that!

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