Gay Guru: Miffed in Middletown

Dear Gay Guru:

I recently moved in with my boyfriend of six months, which has been going relatively well.  However, last night I came home and found porno on my computer. I checked the internet history and noticed that the entire history-log had been cleared out, but he forgot to close a page, which is how I caught him. This is the second time this has happened, the first time I didn’t say anything.

I sent a text message to my boyfriend asking him if he had been watching porn. He immediately said no and made up this long story about how it must have gotten on there, which, of course, I didn’t believe. So I dropped it and waited for him to come home so that we could discuss it.  At home he continued to deny it. I insisted I didn’t believe him and finally he broke down and admitted he was watching it.

It’s not so much the fact that he is watching porn without me its more that he lied to me. I have an issue with lying.  Well that, and the fact that while I was trying to have a serious conversation with him he kept laughing! I’m starting to think I didn’t handle the situation in the best way. So, how do I get my point across without possibly embarrassing him?

-Miffed in Middletown

Dear Sweet Miffed:

I once had a boyfriend who, over time, grew more into watching porn and spending time engaging in intimacy with his right hand than he was with me. At first, it wasn’t a problem but eventually I began to resent it.

So one day, when the mood struck me, I located his stash of personal lubricant and played a little game of “Folger’s Crystals”: I secretly replaced his Astroglide with Orajel. “Lets see if he notices.” Very early into his nightly routine I heard his usual muddled grunts of pleasure quickly replaced with a yelp, some muffled screams, and quick run to the bathroom.

Does your particular situation call for engaging in chemical warfare? No, probably not. If given the chance, would I do the same thing again? Absolutely!

At this point Miffed, I would say you’re a little past confrontation without embarrassing your boyfriend.  It’s not to say your situation is without hope, though. While texting off the bat probably wasn’t a great idea, you were well within your right to confront the lying that resulted. Your Gay Guru will always defend a person’s right and, in some cases clinical need, to masturbate but I will not defend anyone’s lying. Though, lets first examine the root of what your boyfriend is lying about.

As you may well know, Miffed, masturbation in our society and most other cultures, is entirely shame based. I mean, just read the Myths & Facts page** of the masturbation how-to site:**. While some people are more open about it, many others cringe at the mention of the word (or any of the other 1,000 euphemisms that represent the subject) regardless of their avid participation in the sport. Pornography, well, porn and masturbation go hand and hand….so to speak.

It seems, when confronting your boyfriend and he uncontrollably laughed, you may have stumbled onto a “touchy subject.” The suddenly numbed ex-boyfriend I mentioned earlier reacted about the same when I tried to discuss it with him. Well, I should say, when I tried to discuss it with him after convincing him he was not having a stroke and he got the feeling back in his hand…and sensitive bits.

My first bit of advice for you Miffed, and all of the rest of my darling readers is, just stop the long/involved texting. This goes doubly so when you’re texting something that should be discussed face to face. My personal rule is: text is to share basic information or questions which only warrant a “yes or no” answer. For instance: “I am running 15 minutes late”, “OMG, are you watching RHONJ right now? Bitches are CRAZY!” or “Would you like a blowjob?” Simple. Concise. See?

What do you think would have happened if you’d simply said, “Please don’t watch porn on my computer.” Do you think he would have lied? And if he had owned up to it, would you have been left only being angry about his porn consumption?

Confrontation, no matter what the subject, in and of itself is a difficult chicken to choke. Which is why you probably ducked behind a text message in the first place. The best thing you could have hoped for was a message back saying “Yea, I did, sorry.” Unfortunately that’s not what you ended up with. Removing the opportunity for a person to fib with a simple statement of fact may have done the trick here.

I would say, in the future, your best bet is to take some time alone, without distraction and organize your thoughts. Think about what you’re really angry about and why you’re angry about it. When you’re ready, make your confrontation face to face and with the facts. Be prepared to offer your feelings and reasoning, “I am a little angry/hurt/confused about ______ and this is why….” If you reasonably and rationally approach confrontation, you generally get a reasonable and rational response. But from time to time, you may just get uncomfortable laughter. People react differently, what can I say?

In the mean time, you’re probably going to want to protect your computer with a password until your boyfriend get’s his own. If you’re concerned about what he’s viewing, how often, or if he’s engaging in any other “extra curricular activities” there’s always spyware you can buy if you want to track what he’s up to on the internets.

My Darling Miffed, if you do nothing else, at the very least, cover your keyboard with a piece of Saran-Wrap or something. No one wants a DNA spattered electronic accessory….no one.

Love & Light,


(**While is a fantastic resource, it’s not exactly “work appropriate”. But then again, neither is the Gay Guru. So darlings, view at your own risk. Though the Guru suggests you do it in the comfort of your own home…with some Kleenex handy.)