Cheapskates on a Diet: Week I

Please note the typo. It's hard to spell when you're delirious.

The Anti-Couric went swimsuit shopping last week, was horrified by the sight of her ass under the dressing room lights, and then decided she should take the Asian Persuasion and the Gay Guru on a fitness journey with her. (This, believe it or not, is pretty typical of her editorial process.)

This was complicated, however, by the fact that she doesn’t believe in diets, and therefore refuses to go on one. So everyone decided to go their separate ways, so to speak…but not before she subjected everyone to an Excel document. This included a place to record weight and measurements on a weekly basis, as well as places to record exercise, and eating habits.

Since Anti-Couric has that whole aversion to diets problem she figured the best course of action would be for her to start paying closer attention to how much she eats, though not necessarily what she eats. Truth is, she’s already a bit obsessive about what she eats, but when she’s bored…or feeling like a bottomless pit…she can eat too much of it. She also decided to start exercising more regularly. But much like she dislikes dieting, she hates gyms–and is way too poor to waste money on it. She’s already built in some exercise to her weekly routine–like walking pound dogs–but decided that she has to be more vigilant. So, she immediately set out on a 30 minute, 1.5 mile walk around the insane asylum. She did a few push-ups and sit-ups in her office. And she was off…

The Asian Persuasion took a radically different approach. While The Boyfriend trains for a marathon, her wonky heart and jacked up knees keep her from engaging in a rigorous exercise program in the summer heat. Lucky for her, her Asian metabolism keeps her within the same five pound range. She walks her dog every day and is anal retentive about housework, so those two forms of exercise seem to be plenty for her. But, when the Anti-Couric suggested everyone get on the fitness train, she said, “Eh. Ok whatever.” But she’s opting to take the easy route: more veggies and yogurt (which she loathes), less junk, and a cleanse. A colon cleanse.

Now Howard Stern listeners should be made aware, this is not like the colonic Robin gets where you see whole carrots floating down the tube stuck up your rear. This is a two-week program available for about $17 at Whole Foods (their generic brand is just as good as ones that cost twice as much) that gently cleanses all the crap in your colon, and your liver so you feel lighter, toxins are released and you have more energy. It involves a fiber supplement, a gentle non-stimulant laxative, and something to help detox your liver (a milk thistle blend and some other things). It’s all herbs and natural “stuff.”

For his part, the Gay Guru claims to be thinking very hard about participating. Even though he sparked the idea during a g-chat with the Anti-Couric he has, as of yet, not declared any particular strategy, and his side of the Excel spreadsheet is glaringly empty. He claims he’s going to do what he does best, “Overthink it and then deliver something spectacular.” We told him we’re not sure that’s going to work in this particular instance. But for now we’ll just call his diet “Wishful Thinking” and see where that takes him. But as the Excel spreadsheet shows, watching your portions and exercising equals roughly the same amount of change as excessive pooing.

Week 1 Results

Anti-Couric

Waist = 0 change

Hips = 0 Change

Weight = -1.5 lbs

Asian Persuasion

Waist = o change

Hips = ochange

Weight = -1.5 lbs

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