Never Date a Yankees Fan

Ladies, I’ve had one piece of dating-advice for my female friends over the years: “Never date a Yankees fan.” This rule is only suspended if that fan is actually from NY (and therefore has an excuse for being one), but even then, a Mets fan is a better bet.

You see, I have this theory that anyone who lives in CT and chooses to seriously be a Yankees fan is a deranged individual. As we all know, Yankees fans don’t care about anything but winning…at all costs. They’ll knock down their stadium, toss out their beloved manager who helped earn more titles than I have fingers (I think, I don’t pay much attention to that sort of thing), and spend the equivalent of a small country’s GDP keeping A-Hole around.

This kind of douchebaggery could manifest itself in a number of ways in a relationship. Since loyalty doesn’t mean enough to him to ride out the hard times with a GM, it’s safe to assume he’ll cheat on you. Since winning is so all-important, you can assume he’ll go into a deep depression whenever things don’t go his way and take it out on you. And then, of course, there’s a chance he’ll end up in a story like this:

BRANFORD, Conn. — Police say a New Hampshire man has been stabbed in a bar fight over the New York Yankees-Boston Red Sox rivalry…

Police Capt. Geoffrey Morgan says the attack in a dispute over the decades-long American League East rivalry is a shame.

Though the article doesn’t specify who the Yankees fan is, I think it’s safe to assume it’s not the guy from New Hampshire who got stabbed in the neck. This reminds me of the last time a rogue Yankees fan went nuts. I have to wonder why these Yankees fans — who are always so happy to point out their team’s superior record — feel the need to actually attack us poor, downtrodden Red Sox fans. I mean, a good old bar fight is one thing but these one-sided attacks seem over-the-top. I mean, if you make yourself known as a Yankees fan in Nashua, NH you should expect be heckled. It’s your own fault. You don’t then get to run down the Sox fans in the parking-lot. And I don’t care if the guy on the Branford-bar stool next to you makes jokes about Jeter blowing A-Rod, you don’t get to stab him in the neck. At best, you can challenge him to fist fight outside…but even that would be lame.

This is CT, folks. The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is just as much a part of our fabric as traffic on 95, and argyle. And if I can’t tell some guy in a Yankees hat that I question his moral character without getting physically assaulted, than I just don’t know if I can go on…

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6 comments

  1. I’m very confused at the part of your post regarding the General Manager. I think you mistook the recent firing of the New York METS’ GM Omar Minaya for a Yankee in your point about fidelity. The Yankees and their fans seem very happy with their GM, Brian Cashman, who not only has been in that job since 1998 (a full 5 years before Theo Epstein took over the same position with the Red Sox), but has been employed by that team since 1986. Not only that, but Cashman is a resident of Darien, CT.

    Connecticut is the ultimate border state, being considered part of both New England and the “Tri-State Area” of NYC. So I think your “deranged” comment is a little extreme (however, I still don’t understand why there aren’t more Mets fans!)

    What really bugs me about many sports fans are the generalizations people continue to make about entire fan groups. I personally have witnessed a Red Sox fan punch a friend of mine visiting from Tampa in the face at a bar because they mistook the guy cheering for the Rays in the 2008 ALCS as being a Yankee fan. Ridiculous sports-based violence isn’t just present in one fan base. I learned through my travels that EVERY team has their share of irrational jerks as fans, and EVERY team has rather pleasant people to enjoy spending time with.

    I’m only writing because making prejudiced assumptions about someone because of the team they happen to root for is childish at the least, and “never date a Yankees fan” is just that sort of stuff I try to combat. Stuff like stabbings wouldn’t happen if people around here would just chill out and not get so angry about sports teams.

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  2. The seriousness with which you take this post is hilarious… but I’m guessing they were talking about the unceremonious dismissal of Joe Torre — manager of the New York Yankees from 1996-2007.

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  3. Oh I’m sorry. When you write about someone GETTING STABBED IN THE NECK, I was thinking it was at least a halfway serious post. I guess not. That’s hilarious someone got stabbed over sports. But you know what, let’s just continue to reinforce that’s it’s great to hate people due to the uniform they cheer for. Then more violence can happen and we can assume it’s all Yankee fans and have a good laugh on the blog. Har.

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  4. Satire is primarily a literary genre or form, although in practice it can also be found in the graphic and performing arts. In satire, vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement.[1] Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon.

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  5. Clearly, you don’t know what we’re about. The entire incident was ridiculous and extreme and the point of the post was to point that out. However, being an avid Sox fan and having dated a couple Yankees fans, I’m going to speak from personal experience and say, I’d never date another one.

    Go drink some Opus One and calm down please.

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