For What it’s Worth: Our Endorsements

We here at The CuT are always striving for legitimacy. You may be surprised to find out that we have great journalistic aspirations, but the truth is we’re not just a bunch of smartass drunks with too much time on our hands. We’re some of the best political pundits that Connecticut (and the world) has to offer, and so we thought it was high time we make our political endorsements for governor and the senate (there’s too many other races for us to keep track of).

Governor – Dan Malloy (D) v. Tom Foley (R)

As sad as we’ll be to see Grandma M. Jodi go, we’re gonna go ahead and endorse that Malloy guy. First of all, he’s got a better haircut. Foley looks a little like he has the middle-aged man’s version of a bowl cut. (And if you put him next to Joe Lieberman, we don’t think the rest of the country would be able to tell them apart.)

The thing about this race is that the guys seem to hate each other. They fight like jealous sisters during their debates, and we think that’s awesome. I mean, the rest of the country is at each other’s throats, why shouldn’t our gubernatorial candidates be?

Frankly, Connecticut’s candidates can be a little on the not-funny side. So we decided it might be fun to bring in some outsiders because there’s so much more hilariousness happening in other states. In this particular race, we’d like to nominate New York Nutcase and gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino. That guy is batshit, and it would make our job so much more interesting if our governor occasionally challenged the press to a fistfight. We’re pretty sure any of us could win that fight.

But we digress. According to Wikipedia, Foley went to Phillips Academy and played rugby at Harvard. If he was a character in a John Irving book we wouldn’t hold those things against him, but seriously dude… Way to be in touch with the common man. He’s also held such dubious positions as co-chairman of a special commission on divorce and custody, and director of private sector development for the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq. Ugh.

And of course, there’s the Bibb Mill. We’re not going to explain that one, because if you’ve been watching television at anytime within the last 3 months you’ve no doubt seen commercials about it 987 times.

Malloy has been the mayor of Stamford for a long time. It’s a pretty decent place to live, so he’s got that going for him. Oh, and they tape a bunch of hilariously trashy TV shows there. And frankly, when these two dudes are arguing during debates, we find that Foley remains monotone. This makes him seem eve more like a Lieberman robot. We’d rather watch Malloy flip out than listen to Foley drone on.

Then there is their Irishness to be considered. While Dan Malloy’s name alone makes him sound like a drunk Irish guy – which is a plus in the Anti-Couric’s estimation – Wikipedia also says he’s the youngest of eight kids. That’s wicked Irish. Foley, though, was an ambassador to Ireland. We can only assume this means he has, at some point, come into contact with the IRA. To what degree we can’t be sure, but as we have a lot of WASPs among us, we just can’t get behind this guy. We’ll order a Bushmills and vote for Malloy.

Senator – Richard Blumenthal (D) v. Linda McMahon (R)

Ugh. These are our choices? Someone just shoot us now…

We don’t really know what to do about this one. RingNation is all up-tight about Blumenthal’s Vietnam thing. Anti-Couric keeps ranting about semantics every time he brings it up. And then there’s the fact that he looks like Skeletor and a Real Housewife of Orange County had a baby. On a slightly more relevant level, we are also annoyed by how he’s always butting into things that just aren’t the AG’s business.

And then there’s Linda… Sweet Christ!

First of all, we can’t get behind a Republican candidate that is an automatic “no” vote on anything the president does. Even if we leaned to the right, that’s just a stupid way to govern. Besides that, she’s full of it when she says she created 500 jobs and gives the impression that she was a major factor in the explosion of the WWE. There are two people responsible for that: Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan. Definitely not her…

We don’t really care if “her business” promotes violence. Truth is, the average politician is likely to be responsible for more violence than, say, John Cena (or for you older folks, Andre the Giant). The fact that she’s married to a ruthless egomaniac, well, that doesn’t speak well of her character. We do sort of admire her rejection of the Tea Party weirdos. We figure if those nuts embrace you—and you them—chances are you’re going to turn out to be a shitshow.

But those commercials… Could they be stupider? Have you seen the one with a clip from the debate where she asks, “How do you create jobs?” He, of course, did not have a succint, rehearsed answer because, well, there isn’t one. Creating jobs is hard. If it weren’t, we’d all be running around over-employed. I get irate whenever I see them.

That brings us to the alternative candidate part of our diatribe. No we’re not going to endorse one of the other guys… We’re going to lament the fact that Christine O’Donnell is not part of our CT campaigns. Don’t get us wrong, we don’t support anyone who can’t get behind a little good ol’ self-love. (We would, however, vote for a witch.) We just wish we had someone that ridiculous to follow during the course of this campaign because, frankly, our candidates have been way out-crazied by people around the country. I mean, the best we got is some old lady who kicks professional wrestlers in the crotch on TV.

That being said…Well, maybe we will vote for one of those other guys we mentioned. Who the hell knows?