Gay Guru’s New Years Gaystravaganza

Gay Guru graces The Politico's party with an appearance

Darlings, last New Year’s (2009-2010) was sort of a cluster-f for me.  I had made the unwise decision of co-hosting a New Year’s party with my ex, at the house we owned together, but I was not living in at the time. For the most part I had a wonderful time, but that all faded very fast. Somewhere around 2:30 as a hand tightened around my neck, while another beat me about the head, I remember thinking, “Next year (2011) is going to be soooo much better.”

So this year, after the hard lessons learned last year, I applied some new rules to my New Year’s celebrations: 1) Don’t stay in any one place too long. 2) NO Tequilla whatsoever….none….seriously!  I then combined my new rules with the wisdom of my cubicle-mate who told me, “How you start your new year, will stay with you all year.” So in addition to hopping from fun party to party to  party, I made extra sure my plan included being with friends for the ball drop. (Which, I should clarify is not just a parlor trick that took place at the Bear Party, but rather, the stroke of midnight.)

I was thrilled to get an invite to a party hosted by my former roommate and his darling girlfriend (we’ll call them The Politico’s) who I haven’t seen in AGES. It’s also always been my experience that attractive people have really attractive friends. So I set off first for The Politico’s party in West Hartford to what would be my first of three New Year’s celebrations.

Now darlings, what left me confused about the invite was, my former roommate is something of a political dignitary. I mean, if I was pursuing a political career I wouldn’t hang out with me. But then again, he was my roommate for a couple years, so all hopes he had for high political office have probably already been dashed. Regardless, I still think the kid is going places so I’m not naming names. You know I hate to leave you out of the loop, but I promise someday when he does hit it really big, and you see my picture in the paper followed by “So & So’s former gay roommate tell’s all”…then you’ll know. Patience, my darlings, patience.

Poor oblivious heterosexual man. That girl was good to go. Even I would have made out with her...

As I had suspected, the party-goers were indeed super attractive. The fact that the only people at the party I really knew were my hosts and a couple of their friends I have had previous acquaintances with made it really easy to play my favorite sport: making heterosexual men uncomfortable. I did so with wild success. While on a back porch for a cigarette someone brought up the topic of the CT Gubernatorial race. I stated I wasn’t really excited about either candidate and in the end voted for who was more “fuckable”…with Malloy winning hands down.

After a few beers, a couple photo-ops and a couple more rounds of ogling the attractive people, I made my exit and headed for Bolton, to meet up with my fellow CuT writers, the Asian Persuasion and Anti-Couric and join the equally attractive party already in progress.  I made it with an hour to spare and accomplished my goal of being surrounded by friends, laughter, and love at the stroke of midnight. All the things that I hope my new year, and yours, is filled with. After a few more beers, and regrettably no photo-ops, I set off to my third and final party of the New Year:  “The Bear Party” at where else but Tommy’s Restaurant in Middletown.

The prior parties had been relatively low-key and as I had a lot of driving to do I hadn’t had much at all to drink, so I wasn’t really prepared or “socially lubricated” for the “Bear Party.”  By the time I had arrived, well after midnight had come and gone, things at Tommy’s had gotten to, as my friend Frank put it, “a really weird undressy/touchy-feely place.” There were a lot of visible jock straps, but not an inhibition to be found.

As I was completely dressed in layers (and rather smartly dressed, if I do say so myself), unfamiliar faces looked at me with the disgust reserved for that of the truly pretentious…or Mormons. It made me feel like Martha Stewart….and I loved it.  I sucked down Grey Goose and Cranberry as fast as I could and searched the crowd for a familiar face.  In the end, the best I could offer was an unzipped sweater and un-tucked undershirt. What can I say? I’m so “Martha.” Though I did stick my hand down some pants, and I’m pretty sure someone stuck his hand down mine.

Gay Guru gets friendly at the Bear Party. Told you Bears are friendly. (Photo by that guy's husband)

I should make it a point to say that the Bears really are a very, VERY friendly bunch. However, past what my friend calls, “dick o’clock”, which I’ve gathered to mean within two hours of last call, things begin to get a touch frenzied. As Margaret Cho would put it, “Bears swat at cock like it’s salmon in a mountain stream.”  I imagine the same thing takes place in heterosexual establishments, but there’s probably less growling and more chest pounding, or general douche-baggery.

Driving home around 3 a.m., my night was over, but a slight hangover and the rest of my New Year’s celebration didn’t end there. If you know me at all, you know I love to drag shit out, and so in true Gay Guru fashion, I did.

New Years Day presented a fourth event at the fabulous MGM at Foxwoods where I met up with a friend to see Sarah McLachlan and Friends, in concert.  My darling sage, Queer Therory, was supposed to have come with me, but he decided the “And Friends” made the whole thing unworthy, so he politely declined….. I haven’t had the heart to tell him how wrong he was.

Sarah’s “Friends” consisted of Butterfly Boucher and Melissa McClelland in a concert dynamic that I had never really experienced before. Rather than traveling with three bands and hosting each performer as her opening acts, Sarah combined bands into, as she put it, “one big happy family” and successfully avoided a mini-Lilith scenario.  Sarah opened the concert with a four-song set followed by a two-song set performed by Butterfly Boucher, with back-up sung by Melissa McClelland and Sarah herself. That was followed by another two-song set performed by McClelland with who Sarah sang back-up and played the piano for.

Sarah McLachlan in concert is a magical experience. (I imagine this is doubly true if you’re a lesbian, because the MGM theater was swimming with “family.”)  Even when Sarah forgot an entire verse of a song…she played it off amazingly. It was truly a spectacular start to my new year.

Darlings, I wish you, with all of my heart, an equally amazing new year!