How Not to Handle Public Farting

Having uncontrollable gas while in a social situation can be very embarrassing…I should know. About this time last year I was at a party, chatting up a fellow while suffering from one of PMS’s little known side-effects… God awful, uncontrollable flatulence. I came to terms with talking openly about digestive issues many years ago when bad eating habits, and college in general turned me into a walking time bomb. These days, my healthier and more predictable diet has all but done away with the problems that used to plague me, but hormones still wreak havoc once a month…and there is nothing I can do about it.

So, while at this party, I eventually gassed the young fellow. He, being a charming lad, said, “Gross. Did you fart?” I weighed my options. I could lie to him and blame it on one of our fellow party-goers, or I could just own up to it. Chances were, if I kept talking to him, we’d find ourselves in that exact same situation again and he’d stop believing me anyway. But back in my days of unpredictable digestion I’d learned that if you just owned up to your problems, apologized, and moved on, people can’t really hold it against you. I mean, everyone has gas, despite what men like to think about women.

So I said to him: “Yeah probably.” He laughed, we moved on, and a few hours later I assaulted his friend. (He  didn’t seem to mind that either…) My point here, people, is that there are plenty of ways to diffuse a stink-bomb… Stabbing people is not one of them. This guy didn’t seem to understand that, though:

Why did 21-year-old Marc Higgins of Bristol, Conn. stab four people at a party? Partly because he was “very drunk.” And partly because of his farts.

Higgins was apparently in the midst of an intestinal “situation” on Saturday night when he arrived at a house party in Bristol—a bad-enough situation that another party guest, in the words of the Courant, “chastised him for being flatulent” and then slapped him in the face. Higgins left the party, as any of us would. But 45 minutes later, he came back.

I cannot, even for moment, understand why someone would react this way. I mean, I’ll admit to being a particularly confident, “I don’t give a shit what you think” kind of person who can absorb almost any insult or teasing. This comes from being a kind of weird kid and my “superiority complex.” But seriously… Stabbing people? Way less cool than gassing a whole party.

So, folks, if you find yourself in a difficult situation where your gas in posing a social problem I think it’s just best to own it. You’re not fooling anyone and if you can diffuse the situation with a little humor no one has to get hurt.