Last week I finally managed to close on my haunted house and pretty much everything has gone wrong since. I tried to do some laundry and it turned out the piece of shit I bought at the Sears Outlet was an even bigger piece of shit than I knew and it leaked water all over the floor. I’ve had the plumber here twice, and the water temperature is still questionable, and today I discovered a leak under the bathroom sink. FML.
So it was hardly a surprise when, yesterday, one of my cats went missing. I’ve got two cats. One is kind of bitchy and completely street smart. She’d probably outwit your average drug dealer. The other one is a lovable oaf. So when Street Savvy came home and Oaf didn’t I got worried. Dr. Gold came to help me look for him and we wandered my new neighborhood calling his name, finding just about every neighborhood animal except my fat cat. We saw someone else’s fat cat, a rabbit, and a stray pitbull. We tried to wrangle the animal but he didn’t have a collar and I’m not in the habit of wrestling strange dogs so we called animal control.
We wandered down the private road behind my house but it was dark and it’s scary back there. This morning when Fatty still hadn’t come back the Asian Persuasion abandoned her betrothed to come help find him. We walked around the streets for awhile calling his name. We, no doubt, looked insane. We stopped at a house that was clearly home to a couple of cats and where I became convinced they were hiding my cat. They, of course, were not hiding him, and instead they took my number and said they’d call me if they saw him.
So the Asian and I headed up the private road which took us to what can only be called Deliverance Country — or East Hartford’s answer to East Glastonbury. After storming the woods and discovering old tires, beer cans, and the oldest, most battered TV I’ve ever seen. There’s only a handful of houses down there, but there are collapsing sheds and cats the size of Ligers! I then became convinced they had eaten my poor cat, and if you’d seen the size of these beasts you’d understand why. I had to shield our poor, petite Asian friend from their bloodthirsty jaws.
We decided to go check the yard across the street which was recently vacated. It’s got this weird labyrinth of fences that confuses the hell out of me. We were walking along the sidewalk looking at the huge gap between the ground and parts of the fence, when we decided it was silly. “He could get out from under there,” we said and started heading back to walk up the road to the dead end where there are fields.
And that’s when we heard the cries of a fat oaf. I could see my kitty behind the fence and he stuck his big ole head under the fence but then backed away again. Despite having gotten into the yard, and there being more than enough room for him to get back out, he just kept pacing back and forth behind the fence where we could see a couple of rusted out old cars — which explained the front paws covered in black stuff.
Finally I handed the Asian my sweatshirt, and tossed her my house keys. I laid down on the sidewalk, reached under the fence, scruffed fatty and dragged him out from under the fence. I then hugged him so tight I probably broke a kitty rib and we headed home. Luckily Street Savvy came in when we all entered and after the Asian left we all sacked out on the couch for awhile so I could catch up on my sleep. But after seeing Deliverance Country up close, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep again… especially knowing those Ligers are out there stalking us all.