6 Foods to Replace the Twinkie in Your Disgusting Diet

Do the side effects of your medical marijuana cause you to eat Twinkies and Ho-Hos for breakfast? Then you were probably deeply distressed to hear that Hostess is going out of business, and you may have possibly been driven over the edge by the conversation we had about it on the Colin McEnroe Show. “Clearly, these people don’t know how important Hostess Sno-Balls are to my way of life,” you may be saying. You’re right. I don’t understand. Sno-Balls are horrific little Satan turds. But I do love a good Hostess chocolate cupcake (WTF is up with the yellow ones?), especially when drunkenly wandering around Bridgeport at midnight, dressed like an elderly woman.

Seriously, what are people “under the influence” supposed to eat now?

Much of our discussion on the CMS centered on Twinkies, because they occupy a special place in pop culture…despite looking like little yellow submarines. There are two things pop culture tells us about surviving the apocalypse:

  • 1. Twinkies will be your only food source, unless you’re a Doomsday Prepper and have a basement filled with MREs. httpv://youtu.be/MeS6DvyLScE
  • 2. You need a cattle dog. Seriously, Mad Max had one and so did the village in the first episode of that awful NBC show Revolution. So far, The Walking Dead has been silent on the issue.

But I digress. This isn’t an article about the apocalypse. It’s an articles about the end of the world as we know it… one in which there may no longer be Twinkies, other than the millions that are sitting on shelves around the country, defying all the laws of nature by being eternally shelf stable. I won’t miss Twinkies very much. I haven’t had one since I was an indestructible teenager with no concern for my health or well-being. But Hostess Donettes are pure heaven — dense little carb-alicious circles of love. There is no single better food item for dunking in a milky cup of tea than a white powedered Donette. (Just thinking about a world where I can’t buy a little six pack while on a roadtrip makes me want to cry.)

So, in order to help the stoners of the world through this dark time, here’s a list of complete and utter crap you can eat in the absence of Twinkies, Sno-Balls, and maybe even the Donettes (though, in my mind, they’re irreplaceable).

  1. Entenmann’s Banana Crunch Cake – The Banana Crunch Cake is a rare find. You could search grocery stores high and low and never find one of these. They’ll be coffee cakes and raspberry danishes, but no Banana Crunch… and then all of a sudden, your local store will have five of them. I suggest buying all of them for lean times, though it will cost you an arm and a leg because this “food” is awful expensive for something completely devoid of nutrition. But hey, sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and stuff your face with complete shit.
  2. Oreo Cakester – This is for all you Sno-Ball fans out there, because you obviously have no self-respect. I don’t even really know what they are, because I would only eat one under extreme duress — like Laurie giving birth in a prison surrounded by zombies duress. But that creme is probably pretty similar to whatever the hell is in Twinkies.
  3. GooGoo Cluster – Though I’ve recently seen these treats popping up in Big Lots across Connecticut, they seem to be mostly a Southern treat. Much in the same way that the South has Steak-n-Shakes, and Whattaburgers, and Hardees, and a bunch of other obesity-inducing fast food chains that we don’t have here in New England, they also have appalling snack foods that we don’t have here, and GooGoo Clusters are one of them. The PrissyBitch and I once had one in Tennessee. We ate it after it had been sitting in our rental car for three days, so it was especially disgusting, but basically it’s like a Turtle with marshmallow added.
  4. The Moon Pie – This is another one of those southern treats that we don’t get in Connecticut very often, though it’s more well known than its bastard cousin the Goo Goo Cluster. I’ve never had one of these…but I’ve never eaten Taco Bell either…so what the hell do I know?
  5. Chocolate Babka – For the more discerning junk food connoisseurs out there, who will be missing the Donettes as much as my drunk-self will, there is my current sweet treat of choice. I’m not gonna lie, the Donette is still better for dunking in your tea, but you can get away with serving a babka to your guests (you should only serve your guests Donettes if you’re all stoned or your guests are related to Honey Boo Boo).
  6. McVitie’s Digestives – When the AsianPersuasion dropped her dog off with me before heading to Europe, I asked her to bring me back some McVitie’s. You can buy them here, but you basically have to sell a kidney to afford them, and they practically give them away in England. I like the plain ones because they’re better for dunking in tea (you may see a pattern developing here) but if you want to give up all pretenses that this is a healthy snack (they’re DIGESTIVES for God’s sake…they must be good for you), get the one’s dipped in chocolate.

So there ya go fatties! Eat away!

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