The LaPierre Possum: A New Species of Hideous Rodent

You may have found our silence over the past week baffling. After all, this has been one of the saddest times in our state’s history. But the Sandy Hook tragedy hit a little too close to home for some of us. We were sad. There was nothing more to be said, at least not here, on this snarky blog. Our hearts and minds have been with the people of Newtown, the ones we knew and the ones we didn’t. And we hope the media has left your streets and let you start working on getting back to normal.

But the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre has coaxed us back out into the open and given us something to be pissed off  about and therefore we have no problem being snarky about him. For instance, is it just us, or does that rifle wielding rodent look like an opossum? (Technically he’d be a marsupial but whatevs… this isn’t a science blog.)

We just kind of wish he’d roll over and play possum already, because we’re sick of him after just three days. I mean, has any one person ever been so politically tone deaf before? Let’s talk about some of his stupider points. (If you didn’t see his appearance on Meet the Press on Sunday morning, find it. He danced all around the questions while David Gregory did what a good reporter should do… Hound him until he gives a real answer.)

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” the head of the powerful gun lobby said today on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”

Yes it is crazy! LaPierre keeps arguing that this strategy has worked for Israel… ISRAEL! You know, that place that was bombing the shit out of Palestinian kids a few weeks ago? That place that lives under threat of imminent destruction at all times? Maybe, Mr. LaPierre, we should take away a different lesson from Israel. When you live in a hyper-militarized place where large scale violence is a part of everyday life — filled with marketing and propaganda that makes you think the end is ‘nigh and you need to be prepared — it’s not surprising that your society suffers from mass shootings. (Michael Moore already kind of made this argument in Bowling for Columbine.) Maybe, instead of making our society even more militarized and terrifying, we should start building a society that truly values peace… for all… not just for some. (Oh, and then there’s the actual example that Columbine set which basically proves that armed guards won’t work anyway.)

“I think that is a phony piece of legislation and I do not believe it will pass for this reason: it’s all built on lies,” LaPierre said today, regarding a renewal of the Assault Weapons Ban.

Here, we kind of agree, though we come to the same conclusion through very different thought processes. Don’t listen to him… I mean, honestly, who makes policy decisions based on what a possum thinks? As far as I’m concerned, though, this “Assault Weapons Ban” has no teeth. It’s better than nothing, but it exempts too many weapons and even worse, does nothing to take the existing weapons off the streets. I keep hearing people — like Joe Lieberman — say “no one wants to take away your weapons.” I do, Joe! I want to take away their goddamn killing machines!! It’s time for a massive buy-back program in this country.

The Second Amendment as ratified by the States and authenticated by Thomas Jefferson, Secretary of State:

Um, I’m pretty sure we’ve got an Army, the Marines, the Navy, and the Air Force to take care of the security of our free state — not to mention the National Guard and police — so if you’re still out there thinking you and your AR-15 are going to help defend the country or to help defeat a “tyrannical government” than you’re just plain dumb… or maybe you’re just gullible and have been another victim of  marketing and let the gun companies convince you that your stupidly expensive weapons cache will be a match for a nuke wielding government. And let’s face it, you’ll probably starve to death long before the zombie hordes find you and your weapons anyway. More importantly, how many people with a bomb-shelter full of guns are actually part of a well-regulated militia? I’d bet it’s only the weird ones who live in the mountains and scare all their neighbors with their insistence on wearing camouflage and combat boots at all times. So let’s get real. Keep your pistols and your hunting rifles, and give back the guns that have no purpose other than to kill a lot of people, very quickly.
Do you see a trend here? Notice you don’t see Maine, Vermont, or New Hampshire here? They hunt up there, yet their rates of gun deaths don’t seem so dire. You don’t even see Illinois, home to Chicago, notorious for its gun violence. More guns + less regulation = more death. Enough said.

When you buy a car from a dealership every aspect of that transaction is recorded. Even if you buy it from your neighbor, you still have to register it if you want to drive it. Oh, and you also have to have a license, and insurance and if you’re irresponsible with the car you get your license taken away… Yet, for some reason, these standards aren’t applied to guns and their owners.

Last summer a family friend applied for a handgun permit here in CT and was turned down because of previous pot-related arrests. I have to say, I breathed a little easier knowing we lived in a state where he isn’t be allowed to have a gun — though this was for a million reasons unrelated to his pothead antics. But let’s be honest, he still has access to guns. I went to a flea market, recently, where there were guns out for sale, right next to beat up old dressers, and non-working lawn equipment. This does not make me feel better.

It’s time to close the loopholes, prosecute offenders, and put that possum in his place… which is rummaging through garbage cans and being chased off by angry dogs.

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