Three Clues You’re Not Chatting with Harry Styles

This morning I learned something important from The Today Show: Donny Wahlberg sounds more like DMX than one of the New Kids on the Block. Also, “Hangin’ Tough” does not hold up. You see, NKOTB appeared to kick off their tour with Boyz II Men (who are still amazing) and 98 Degrees (who always sucked) and it just so happened to coincide with news that some old creepy dude from Waterbury pretended to be Harry Styles from One Direction to get girls to perform sex acts on the interwebs.

It’s one big mess of teen idols in my head right now.

Not Harry Styles…or even Leif Garrett

Now obviously, this dude is a cretin who should get locked away. That’s a forgone conclusion, so I would like to talk to the not very street wise children of the world to keep them from getting exploited with this particular ruse again. (Also, parents, if you ever let your kids outside alone, they might have learned some of these skills of deduction on their own.)

Here are some clues that the guy you’re Skyping with is not Harry Styles or Justin Bieber or any other current heartthrob (though he could still be an old washed up one):

  • He Doesn’t Have a Web Cam – Seriously kids, when you think about Harry Styles’ laptop, do you honestly believe it isn’t equipped with a web cam? If the star in question only has screen captured profile images, it ain’t him.
  • He’s Chatting With You – Um, do you think that the latest and greatest in Teen Beat posters has the time to chat with you when cameras aren’t around to show everyone what an awesome dude he is (preferably on Ellen)? You’re better off just chatting with some random English kid. He’ll probably be cute for a little while longer, and he’s got an accent.
  • He Doesn’t Have an English Accent – Maybe I’m wrong, and this middle-aged dude from Waterbury has an amazing British accent, but I’m guessing he sounded more like Peter from The Family Guy. That should be a tip-off.