I don’t think I’ve watched a Miss USA pageant since I was in elementary school — or maybe ever because I don’t know the difference between Miss USA and Miss AMerica — but boy am I kicking myself now… All those years when we had to watch a big-haired Miss Texas or a bleach blonde Miss California beat out our tastefully elegant Miss Connecticut had me believing there was no way any Nutmegger was ever going to score that dumb sash and blinged out crown. But last night, some broad named Erin Brady from East Hampton (who actually now lives in South Glastonbury, like all the poised, beautiful people east of the Connecticut River) managed to do what they all (or maybe it was just me…) said could never be done. She was crowned, Miss USA!
Praise be unto The Donald.
This puts Connecticut squarely on the path to world domination, just as Dannel Malloy planned.
You may sense a bit of insincerity in my tone, and you’d be right…kind of. I don’t actually give a crap about Miss USA, which is why I don’t watch it, but I am always glad when our little state gets some attention. Normally, all people want to talk about are our snobby suburbs, elite universities, basketball, and Stars Hollow. Now we get to be known for our hot chicks who don’t hemorrhage when asked about income inequality by no less a luminary than Nene Leakes.
I would, however, like to point out a little something about Miss Connecticut’s answer to the judge’s question about the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold DNA tests conducted on anyone being accused of a serious crime. She said: “If someone is being prosecuted and committed a crime, it should happen. There are so many crimes that if that’s one step closer to stopping them, then we should be able to do so.” Now, I’m no public speaker but 1) The syntax is awful 2) The tests aren’t being performed on people being prosecuted, just anyone who is being ACCUSED. There’s a difference. Of course, we all know America isn’t very good with nuance — especially the people actually watching the pageant — and so we’ll let it slide. Just don’t go lording it over Utah…