Real Talk for CT’s Weathermen

Thirty degrees is looking downright balmy.

Thirty degrees is looking downright balmy.

It’s been going on for a while now, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore, so I’ve decided to have a little chat…or, errr, blog…no that’s not right… Well, whatever, I want the weathermen of Connecticut (and across the country) to listen up: WE KNOW IT’S COLD!

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. It’s very helpful when you tell us it’s going to snow or rain, or that a polar vortex is going to descend upon us. It helps us prepare. If you’re me, you turn the heat up a smidge, make sure your boots are dry, and sit the dog down for a long talk about how her walks are going to have to be waaaaay shorter. If you’re some of the other people in Connecticut, you head to the grocery store and start mowing down strangers with your cart to get that last loaf of organic bread, and the last dozen of free-range eggs. (Apparently, we only eat breakfast when there’s a weather event happening.) 

Do you know why these people decide to cement their places in hell every time a half-inch of snow falls? BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE IT’S ARMAGEDDON! Like Bruce Willis himself is riding a giant ball of ice directly at us and the only way to fend him off is to crowd the atmosphere with hysterical waves of weather panic that will melt said icy ball with the heat of a thousand electric blankets.

Please stop! This is Connecticut, not Texas. Once it starts snowing, we know what to do… Or at least we should. If you’re one of these people who has lived in New England your whole life and still acts like driving in the snow is akin to water skiing in a tank with an angry orca, then please just move. (Also, watch Blackfish and hate yourself for every time you ever went to an aquarium.) When I was in high school, I drove a 1988 Dodge Daytona with tires so bald they may as well have just been the inner tubes I used to sled. I remember driving it around on a snow day and every time I hit the breaks (no matter how gently and gradually) it would spin out, leaving the mini-vans brave enough to be on the road to test their own stopping power. I lived! So if you’re driving an Outback with snow chains and still acting like you might end up in the woods if you drive more than 7 miles per hour I implore you to take my earlier suggestion and MOVE.

But back to the weathermen… or perhaps it’s the news producers I should be directing my argument to. There is no reason to keep your anchors at the desk for 6 hours, and send some poor schmuck out to stand in a slushy parking lot to illustrate something we can see outside our windows. It’s snowing/raining/windy…we get it. And P.S. there is nothing more boring than watching someone try to prove how cold it is outside… you can’t really see cold. (Also, to the schools…cold is not a reason to delay or cancel school. If they can go to school in Alaska, so can little Caitlyn and Ethan in Simsbury.)

Feel free to tell us about water main breaks and warming stations (though I doubt the homeless people who can benefit from these will see the news–and I’m too busy shoveling to watch you) during your normal broadcasts. And by all means, remind idiots that they shouldn’t leave their dogs outside during extreme cold (my cats are smart enough to figure this out for themselves and have been lounging around inside for days). You can even warn people who can’t figure it out for themselves that it’s icy out there, though I deduced that for myself when I almost fell three times while just walking my dog around the block.

But please, stop acting like every bit of cold and snow is the end of the world. Minnesota is laughing at us, and we can’t have that.