More Earthquakes in Eastern Connecticut

You all thought I was kidding when I suggested that giant, terrifying worms were after Kevin Bacon, but tremors seem to be straight up attacking the region. There were five — yes, five — yesterday, and another this morning.

I’m not sure my “Tremors” theory can hold up to scrutiny after this many mini-quakes. So we’re going to have to say goodbye to huge worms and find another explanation.

Some of you may be saying, “Tectonic activity among the earth’s plates is responsible.” Obviously you just believe whatever the government tells you. But when the very foundation of your state is literally rocked, over and over again, you have to ask, “Who is behind this?”

Normally I would explain any strange happenings in the Nutmeg State on Plum Island escapees, but this time I think we have to turn to Middle Earth for answers. I can’t say for sure whether the dwarves have gotten greedy, Gandalf is fighting a dragon, or orcs are carving out a desolate city beneath our feet…but something is definitely up.