Hey Glastonbury, Roundabouts Are Terrible!

There are a lot of pressing issues in Glastonbury. First and foremost is the chicken question: How many is too many? It seems that anything over 10 chickens is too many for anyone with under an acre of land. (That actually seems like way too many chickens for some parts of town.) Weirdly, anything over 15 chickens is too many for someone with up to five acres of land. (This seems arbitrary to me, but I’m just pissed because I live in East Hartford and technically I can’t have any chickens…though many of my neighbors are giving a big eff you to the town!) The next big question on the Glastonbury town council’s plate is whether or not to ruin a perfectly good intersection with a roundabout.

A terrifying look into the future.

You may know “roundabouts” by the much more boring name of “traffic circles” but the first time I was ever aware of one of these unholy traffic terrors was in England so I refuse to use your lame, American name. Anyway… Glastonbury is considering putting a roundabout in at the intersection of Hebron Avenue and New London Turnpike. I have no idea why they would do this, because as far as I’m concerned the only decent use for these things are in parking lots where the traffic is slow.

This proposed roundabout happens to be right smack in the middle of basically every bar in Glastonbury. (Yes, for some reason, all the places you would ever want to go on a Friday night in G-bury are within a block of each other.) This means you will regularly have people who have had one too many burgers, bourbons, or beers at Plan B (or Hannafin’s or The Diamond or that atrocious Rooftop 120) trying to navigate the traffic equivalent of a merry-go-round.

I don’t know about you but whenever my GPS warns me that a traffic circle is ahead and tells me to take the second right, I start to panic. There is something about the nature of roundabouts that makes people aggressive, and leads me to believe there is a very real chance that I will be driving around in circles until my car runs out of gas.

Perhaps the only thing scarier than the idea of navigating this roundabout at midnight on Friday or Saturday is driving around it at lunch-time during the week. People will straight up cut you to get to Whole Foods, and I can even imagine what they will do without stoplights to slow their road rage to a crawl.