Hartford Gets Housing Fight Wrong

A few months back we brought you the story of a communal living situation that was really ticking off some residents on Scarborough Street in Hartford. Basically, a bunch of friends pooled their money to buy a big ass house and live together, sharing duties, bills, and whatnot. The City’s Zoning Board of Appeals finally got around to addressing the issue last night, and it upheld the cease and desist order against the folks calling this house home.

According to The Courant, “The group includes two Hartford public school teachers, a professor at Capital Community College, employees for Charter Oak Cultural Center and the Wheeler Clinic, and a stay-at-home dad.” All radicals, obviously.

Meanwhile, one of the few neighbors actually quoted in The Courant article is John Kennelly who said this:

“…irrespective of how one defines a family, the occupants of 68 Scarborough do not meet the legal definition of one in Hartford.

I am pleased that the Hartford ZBA acted to protect the neighborhood and look forward to working with the residents of 68 Scarborough on their future.”

Apparently the letter of the law is very important to him.

What exactly does “working with the residents of 68 Scarborough on their future” mean here? Does this guy have a real estate license? Or maybe he’s offering to help them move? I digress…

Here’s what I hope happens if these perfectly nice people, who are committed to the city of Hartford are forced to move:

Embittered by a  long court battle that is essentially aimed at forcing children and their parents out of their home, the Family decides to sell their home to these people: 

Following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Mike Tyson and 50 Cent, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West decide to move to the Hartford area and buy a charming old home on Scarborough once occupied by a non-traditional but generally quiet family. 

This, of course, means lots of visits from other Kardashians and the near constant presence of paparazzi, reality TV cameras, and idiots who just want to hang around outside hoping to get a glimpse of people who name their children after points on a compass. Kanye also decides to build a home studio so he can make more great music like this:

Yikes! 

The people of Scarborough try to complain to the city, but there’s nothing illegal about what’s happening at Kimye’s house because they are legally a family — and, of course, the Governor wants to encourage more movies and TV shows to be shot here — so the neighbors have no choice but to sit back and try to literally keep up with the Kardashians.

And because you can apparently have an unlimited number of servants according to Hartford’s super-relevant and up-to-date zoning laws, these people also move in:

A whole new reality show is born: Downtown Abbey.

Finally, Kimye moves when they decide Hartford is over and head to to Boston — you know, like all the other young people do. They sell their house to another group of lovable but less hip reality stars.

Thanks to Mama June’s penchant for dating child molesters, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled, so the neighborhood is a lot quieter than when Kimye was around. But there is, for some reason, a pig in a ballerina outfit running around in the yard, and they replace the pool with a mud pit. The Boo Boos can also be seen riding ATVs up and down Scarborough at rush hour. However, they make up for being generally bad neighbors by sharing some of Mama June’s extreme couponing loot, and the neighborhood is never short on toothpaste or Cheetos ever again. There is, however, a constant lingering fart smell.

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