Zucchini Thief on the Loose in Stamford

Are you a gardener?

I am.

As soon as it starts to get warm in the Spring I start itching to get outside and turn the barren hellscape of my raised beds after a long winter into a fertile playground. I’ve even joined some gardening groups on Facebook, including one where the members like to grow stuff and share an interest in true crime. So you can imagine the buzz that went through this group when the story broke that some complete and utter monster has stolen a zucchini from a library garden in Stamford… AND REPLACED IT WITH A CUCUMBER!

The news of this heinous crime made it all the way to Jezebel (which I stopped reading a long time ago because it made me hate literally everyone!)

I don’t plant zucchini anymore for a number of reasons:

  1. It sucks
  2. One day it’s a normal size, the next day it looks like it ate the other zucchinis
  3. Even one zucchini is more zucchini than one person can eat so I end up with lots of half-zucchinis hanging around my kitchen
  4. I’ve decided winter squash is more worthy of my garden space
  5. It costs like 5 cents to just buy a zucchini

Nonetheless, if someone stole the food I had lovingly grown with my own hands, and replaced it with what I assume to be their inferior food, I would go berserker.


I don’t even really understand this.

I have some thoughts about how to find the culprit in this particular crime against humanity:

  1. Look for a nearby garden that has way too many cucumbers. Alternatively you can ask neighbors if anyone has been trying to foist baskets of cukes upon them.
  2. Visit local supermarkets and ask if anyone has attempted to return a cucumber after realizing they had mistaken it for a zucchini.