awkward boners

All About Us: Gay Guru Edition

In the next installment of our supremely self-indulgent “All About Us” series, the Gay Guru will tell you what’s going on in his world. NSFW

Reading: I’m not really much of a reader, unless David Sedaris has a new book out. However, unlike our resident Asian, I have no shame about conducting most of the reading I do on the internet. That being said, I read the news daily on msnbc.com but here are a few of my favorite sites I check in with a few times of week:

www.awkwardboners.com – Relatively self-explanatory, right?

www.luriddigs.com – The trick to this site is to look past that naked person and examine the room around them. It’s sort of like Magic Eye, but different.

www.verymarykate.com – I can’t stop watching “The Hangover.”

Listening: I suppose this sort of falls under “Reading” but I was just saying the other day, “If you can get past the copious amounts of graphic vagina, Hustler has some really amazing music suggestions.” Which is how I stumbled upon Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings. Billed retro-soul, it’s like Amy Winehouse (who I also love) without the crack-ed out mess.  I also have a near stereotypical love for Lady GaGa. But, I’m proud to say I’m not so obsessed that I own her little known first album.  Other honorable mentions in no particular order are Regina Spektor, Jill Scott, OK GO, Adele, Duffy and Whitney Houston (both pre & post-crack).

What I am not listening to is the new Christina Aguilera album, Bionic.  I suppose I should say I’m specifically not listening to it while driving. If you haven’t heard the reviews, it’s honestly exponentially more horrendous than they make it out to be, with the exception of maybe 2 tracks…maybe.  The rest of the album inspires me to laugh so hard, merely listening while operating a vehicle becomes dangerous.

Watching: Most of this summer I’ve spent completely addicted to BRAVO and with Real Housewives of D.C. starting, and Flipping Out coming back, I don’t see that changing soon. I also loves me some Top Gear, which I should explain isn’t about sex-toys for dominants so much as it is a British show about performance vehicles… though that may be one in the same…huh. Anyways, it’s British and cheeky and fun.

The other shows I’m completely obsessed with are HBO’s Big  Love, because I find Mormons completely fascinating. I also  follow Showtime’s series, Weeds (which may actually be more  “real” than any of the real housewives), Nurse Jackie and The  Real L Word.

Aside from that, whatever I find while channel flipping will  do. Especially if the subject has to do with planes, trains,  automobiles, Mormons, or business. I know what you’re  saying, “Business? What’s gay about business?” Honestly it  just interests me is all. I like stories about how things started.  For instance, J.W. Marriott has a pretty cool story. Oh  and Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe but that’s only because he’s  on top of my list of famous guys I want to bang.  I also understand the Anti-Couric and I have this in common. Though she often doubts my resourcefulness and access to rufilin, to her I say, “May the best seductress win!”.

The Old Navy Blue Polo is a staple of The Gay Guru wardrobe.

Wearing: Old Navy, for almost everything. Old Navy clothes are simple, versatile and durable. I’m a curvy lady-boy, and they’re just the clothes I feel most comfortable in.  Plus, when you’re as complex as this bitch right here, you need to supplement with something simple, am I right?

Eating: I love to eat, I almost love it as much as anonymous sex in public bathrooms. I also love to cook. I’m not beholden to Organic or homegrown produce like the PrissyBitch or Anti-Couric, but they do inspire me to make more of an effort.  No, your Gay Guru is not above inspiration. I appreciate being inspired as much as I appreciate inspiring others

Because eating and cooking for me go hand in hand, I have been loving this site I dug up called Picky Palate. The site’s recipes are fairly simple and, as such, they’re easy to tart up with my own culinary flare. Just like eating, cooking and sex in public bathrooms, altering a recipe to make it “my own”  is just another hobby of mine. I enjoy it, and its something I think I do pretty well.

Thinking: Usually I’m thinking something dirty and thinking it about you, or your dad….or your brother.

The Guru’s mind is always spinning in 1,000 different directions though, and it’s not always dirty. Sometimes it’s about future successes, sometimes past failures. I’m constantly trying to learn and grow…and I do it for you my darlings. Well, no. I do it for me. But you benefit from it my loves and I’m glad that you do, and you’re welcome.

But right now, right this instant I’m thinking, “Have you seen my Fanpage?” and that’s because I set up a Gay Guru Facebook Fanpage.  I mean, I know you like me, but have you made it “Facebook official”?  To those of you who already have, or have submitted to my personal threats of violence, thank you!!! You like me ,you (allegedly) really, really like me!

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